HOME
E-CARDS
WALLPAPER GALLERY
LOVEBUG STORE
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL
|
|
HOME |
E-CARDS |
WALLPAPER GALLERY |
LOVEBUG STORE |
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL |
|
|
Relationship ArticlesNeed advice on dating and relationships or tips on turning up the romance in your marriage? You'll find all kinds of helpful information here about love, romance, and relationships. |
Relationship Arguments - 7 Ways to Heal Past Hurts
Q: I've read that you are never supposed to bring up the past in a relationship, especially in an argument. But, sometimes it just feels like I have to bring it up with my husband. When is it OK to bring up the past? A: Speaking in general, which is always risky, you should avoid bringing up the past in the middle of current conflicts. Words such as "this is just like when you...," or "do you remember what you said in 1977 about..." do nothing to resolve a conflict or bring couples closer together. As a wife, you also have an almost unfair advantage over your husband in this area. Again, speaking in general, most wives can recall the details of every argument that has ever occurred, including what was said, what was meant, what you were wearing and where you were standing. Most husbands have trouble remembering what they had for lunch yesterday. At the same time, I think there are a few exceptions where it is acceptable to bring up the past, and is even necessary in a healthy relationship. I think it is most necessary when something from the past still hurts so much that you can't function well in the relationship in the present; and when things that happened in the past keep happening and are still going on. Let's take a look at these two exceptions and what to do about them. When the Past Still Hurts If something from the past still hurts, you need to address it, just not in an argument. During a calm time, you can say something like, "Can you help me with something I keep having trouble with?" Most spouses will respond well to that request. A useful example would be how something hurtful was said and it gets under your skin and stays there. It may be eating you up, but your husband is unaware of the lasting effects. So, once you have his attention, you lay out, in non-accusatory, gentle words, what is still hurting you. Perhaps a more complete apology is necessary, or even a first apology. Sometimes we simply need to have someone understand just how much something hurt us. Other times, simply speaking it out loud allows it to fade off of our emotional radar. Once you have had this talk and cleaned up the mess from the past, you can both agree that this is now in the past and has no power over either of you or the relationship. When the Past is in the Present This one is a little bit more difficult to handle and resolve. When something that caused pain in the past continues in the present, you have to ask some difficult questions: *Does your husband simply not get it? *Does he not care or is he just plain selfish? *Is this a personality trait or relationship pattern that is just too stubborn to change on your own? Sometimes when the pain is not happening to you personally, it can be difficult to see the consequences of certain actions. In this case it can be helpful to calmly walk your husband through the specifics of how certain behaviors cause pain. Once the light comes on for him, you can both agree, commit and even covenant that these events are now things of the past, and you will both do whatever it takes to make sure they do not happen again. A good example in this case would be how it feels when one person considers the feelings of her own parents over the feelings of her husband. Many times I have found that the wife does not realize the pain caused until it is calmly laid out in detail. If these suggestions do not work for you and your relationship, then it's time to sit down with a relationship counselor/coach who can get in the middle of it and help lead the way through these conflicts. Jeff Herrring, MS, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist, relationship coach, speaker and nationally syndicated relationship columnist, and founder and CEO of http://www.SecretsofGreatrelationships.com You can email Jeff at jeff@jeffherring.com and sign up for his free internet newsletter "Great Relationships Tip of the Week" on his website at http://www.SecretsofGreatRelationships.com
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
How Can I Get My Partner To Change? How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be?Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. The Tablet of Venus In the 17th century, divination devices called The Tablets of Fate were sold on the street by fortunetellers. These were square pieces of paper which had sixteen numbers written on them and the idea is that you would go home, close your eyes, spin the paper and point to a spot on the paper to get the answer to your question. Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO. Parasitic Relationship Something in my life is weighing heavily on my mind, and I don't talk to anyone about it. I married my husband when he was 21 and I was 20. Fear of a Broken Heart Dear Candace,I am in the process of getting divorced and have met a very wonderful man who touches my soul. I am scared of a relationship because of a fear of not being perfect, and my main fear is that of a broken heart. If You Cannot Make Friends, Make Foes There are few desires (if any) stronger than the deep wish to be liked. The first time you realized that not everybody liked you, it was a shock. Two Easy Steps To Finding Joy In All Your Relationships Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope that this person is the right one, that we aren't repeating mistakes of the past, and that we will finally receive the love, support, companionship and admiration we've been waiting for. Coping With A New Culture: Problems And Solutions Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest job of one's life, for, not only that you miss your friends and family in the new place, you also miss your very own culture. And culture, as the social anthropologists say, is exactly what we do in our life. Cutting the Cord Sometimes, after a relationship has ended, many of us have problems letting go. A lot of my clients often complain of feeling haunted or even possessed by the dearly departed (who probably isn't even thinking of you at all and is busy happily running away with his or her new partner. Amaze Your Lover - 16 Romantic Ideas To Keep Them Happy Some people have a natural ability to romance the oppposite sex and others seem like they don't even know what it means. However, everyone should know how to make their partner's heart melt because it's one of the finest acts of seduction. Do Men Just Want Mommy? Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd in her column titled "Men Just Want Mommy." She says powerful men want to marry women who are caretakers like secretaries, assistants, nannies, flight attendants, etc. 9 Myths About Being Single More than 48% of US households are headed by unmarried individuals. The American Association for Single People projects that by 2010, 47. Are You Paralysed By The Fear Of Future Regrets? Edith Piaf remains an icon and her best loved song, "Non, je ne regrette rien", remains an anthem in part because of the issues that so many of us have with regret. If the emotionally vulnerable Parisian sparrow could live free from regrets then maybe the rest us can also. Gay and Lesbian Relationships America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of the same gender. This reluctance follows a similar pattern to the hostility towards interracial relationships. Fight, Flight, or Loving Action Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano?. Office Nomance Are Office Romance's really that bad? The answer is ?.. Unfaithfulness AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its beauty. The scenario got me thinking about an issue a friend had brought up sometime ago. False Forecasts Lead to Matchmaking Hell False ForecastsThe typical methods for finding a partner are based on personality tests, psychological profiles, and our own evaluation of a potential partner.Most of the matchmaking techniques used on these sites are doomed to failure because the harmonious relationship forecast turns out to be false. How To Give Women What They Want and Need-The Forgotten Method of Wooing Remember When?When you were in elementary school, high school, and maybe even college, when you had something to say to your girlfriend, fiancée or what-have-you, what was the medium you used to convey those special thoughts? The handwritten note. If you didn't use this method, where were you in your youth-in your cupboard underneath the stairs?Something to Think AboutHere's something for you to chew on-when you receive a letter from a friend or relative, what do you expect--maybe a printed letter, right? Okay, that's fine. Bedroom Treason Just a note to ask if there are other married women and men who are happy in their marriage and in their affair at the same time? I am fulfilled at home, in the bed and emotionally, with two men meeting my needs.It would be great if I had found a guy who could satisfy me both emotionally and sexually, but it just didn't happen.
|
|
