HOME
E-CARDS
WALLPAPER GALLERY
LOVEBUG STORE
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL
|
|
HOME |
E-CARDS |
WALLPAPER GALLERY |
LOVEBUG STORE |
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL |
|
|
Relationship ArticlesNeed advice on dating and relationships or tips on turning up the romance in your marriage? You'll find all kinds of helpful information here about love, romance, and relationships. |
Squashing the Gay Relationship Killer Known As Jealousy
Introduction You might feel it when that hot stud across the room at the gym gives your lover "the look-over." You might experience it if your ex-boyfriends ever cheated on you and then you project it onto your current man. Or you might experience it if you have an "open relationship" and you know your partner is out "tricking." Whatever its form, jealousy can take on many different faces and it can kill your relationship if it's not managed appropriately. If you're the one who's afflicted with jealousy, it can torment and consume you, zapping you of all security and contentment. If you're the partner of a jealous lover, your frustration at having to "walk on eggshells" and constantly reassure your guy of your commitment to him can be maddening. Jealousy is not bad in and of itself. It is a feeling and all our feelings are ok; it's what we do with them that can mean the difference between relationship calm and relationship storm. Jealousy can actually benefit your partnership in its mildest form. But if it is a recurrent, pervasive theme that seems to dominate the climate of your relationship, it can sabotage your future together and lead to a lot of hurt and grief. This article will address some of the dynamics involved in jealousy and offer some tips for you and your partner in overcoming and defeating it. Jealousy & Its Causes Jealousy can be defined as a feeling that arises from a perceived threat to your relationship. It almost always involves fear-fear of loss of abandonment or losing your partner, fear of being replaced with someone else, fear of not being important enough anymore and being excluded, etc. This significantly impacts one's self-esteem and leads to insecurity and using self-defeating behaviors to ward off these painful feelings and gain a sense of control (although it never really accomplishes that and creates vicious cycles of the same dysfunctional behavior over and over again). Self-defeating behaviors might include spying on your partner, excessive clinginess toward him, constant questioning of his whereabouts and activities, among others. What are the causes of jealousy? There are "inner" and "outer" causes. Inner causes might include low self-esteem and confidence (believing one is unattractive or unworthy of being in a healthy relationship), a past history of experiences that created distrust, and beliefs that one will be single forever if he loses his partner. External causes might include how one's partner acts (expressing interest or flirting with someone else) or the actual involvement of a third person in the relationship. "Factors that seem to affect the susceptibility to jealousy include the length and stability of the relationship, maturity, dependence, and level of self-esteem of the individuals, their expectations for emotional gratification, and the perceived availability of alternatives to the primary relationship (Neidig & Friedman, 1984). Low levels of jealousy can actually be positive for your relationship. It can be a signal that something's "off" between the two of you. It can help partners feel cared for and be an indication to not take each other for granted. It can also increase communication, commitment, and sexual intensity. "Jealousy becomes problematic when it is expressed indirectly, is experienced compulsively, becomes irrational, or leads to extreme levels of vigilance and control" (Neidig & Friedman, 1984). The major consequence is that it also leads to a severe break-down in the level of trust and intimacy between the two men, core ingredients that are necessary for a healthy relationship to last. And the other paradoxical effect of jealousy is that it can create the very outcome that is feared and dreaded the most---the ending of the relationship. Tips For Conquering the Jealousy Beast If you are the one suffering from jealousy? *Acknowledge your jealousy. Avoid minimizing or denying its existence. Recognize that you are not your jealousy-it is a part of you, one aspect of you that you can learn to manage. Admitting its power over you is the first step to conquering it. *Identify the cause of your jealousy. What feelings are underneath your jealousy? Work on developing more effective ways to cope with these specific emotions. *Keep a journal and write about your experience of jealousy and what it means to you. Ask yourself such questions as: *Identify your triggers to jealousy and either avoid them or find ways to confront them head-on in a healthy way. *Live in the present. Your partner is not your ex-boyfriend. Learn how to control your anger and grieve past losses and hurts. *Refrain from obsessing and compulsively questioning your partner's behavior. Monitor your own thoughts and always check your motives and feelings against reality. *Realize that you are responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You create your own interpretations and perceptions of events and situations. Learn to identify and challenge irrational thoughts and beliefs and develop affirmations or coaching, coping statements to write on index cards for reference to help you through difficult times. *Practice relaxation techniques to help you cope with your anxiety. *Make sure to have a life separate from your partner to reduce dependency and bring more fresh air into the relationship. Reach out to your friends, build your support system, and seek out social outlets that inspire a sense of fun and purpose. *Build your self-esteem by taking safe risks that boost your confidence and allow you to see the strengths you possess. If you are the partner of a jealous lover?*Be patient and endure through this difficult period. Understand how painful and difficult it is for your partner and empathize and validate his feelings. Provide reassurances of your love, but don't enable his behavior. *Take care of yourself. Practice good stress management for emotional wellness. *Identify ways you might be able to support your partner and show how you value him. Explore your own behavior to determine if you're reinforcing your lover's jealousies in any way. And finally, together as a couple?*Identify if the jealousy has its roots in an underlying problem in your relationship. What's missing? Are there any unmet needs that require your attention? *Don't make assumptions! Avoid mind-reading and always check feelings or thoughts that you may have with each other. *This is a great opportunity to open the channels of communication and see if any new boundaries or "relationship rules" need to be re-negotiated, created, or dropped. *Make your relationship a #1 priority! Spend lots of quality time together and engage in activities that will re-vitalize your bond and restore some of that damaged trust and intimacy. Conclusion *Reference: Neidig, Peter H. & Friedman, Dale H. (1984). Spouse Abuse: A Treatment Program for Couples. Champaign, IL: Research Press Company. ©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included: Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples,as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs,and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com. Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you! Brian Rzepczynski holds a master's degree in Social Work from Western Michigan University and is also a Certified Personal Life Coach through The Coach Training Alliance. He launched his private coaching practice, The Gay Love Coach (http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com), in 2003 and works with gay men, both singles and couples, on developing skills for improving their dating lives and relationships. He publishes a monthly ezine called "The Man 4 Man Plan" that has helpful articles, tips, resources and an advice column relating to gay relationships and dating. He is also the co-author of the new self-help book "A Guide to Getting It: Purpose & Passion" published in May 2005.
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Don't Snuff Out Expressions of Liking It is hard to express all the emotions to somebody whom you love the most.Although one wants to share all those things which he/she has in his/her heart. Relationship Advice: A Tip from Monica and Chandler of Friends If you are looking for it, you can find relationship advice and wisdom in all kinds of places.I found an important piece of relationship advice recently while watching a "Friends" rerun. When Are You Ready to Move onto a New Relationship? Breakups can be painful and difficult on so many difficult levels. The ending of a relationship, a close friendship, and the dreams that you shared with your significant other are just a few of the things you lose. Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to make it up as we go along. But relationships need much more conscious planning in order to be successful. Is It Love or Money? What do women or men want out of a relationship? I know I want a man who really loves me, and the feelings are definitely reciprocated. I want to grow old with someone. When Your Relationships Turn Abusive - What You Can Do Sometimes the people who are the closest to us, our friends and our mates, the ones who should be liking us the best, are the ones who hurt us the most.No matter how lonely you are, you don't have to put up with rude or abusive behavior from other people. The Lies That Saved a Judges Life What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but empathy is really much more. My dictionary defines it as "the quality or process of entering fully, through imagination, into another's feelings or motives. Are You Paralysed By The Fear Of Future Regrets? Edith Piaf remains an icon and her best loved song, "Non, je ne regrette rien", remains an anthem in part because of the issues that so many of us have with regret. If the emotionally vulnerable Parisian sparrow could live free from regrets then maybe the rest us can also. Affairs: Advice for the One Who Was Betrayed You are hurt, you are angry, you are simply devastated.Things will never be the same again. Are You Fit To Love? is the most important question you'll ever ask yourself. Let's face it, our relationships are extremely important. Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships One of the keys to obtaining a better life or living arrangement is to assess the quality of relationships that you surround yourself with. Do you surround yourself with loving relationships or unhealthy relationships? For someone that has a pattern or history with unhealthy relationships, the difference between the two may be difficult to decipher. If You Love Me If you love me, you will keep my commandments?In the love games we play, and in all aspects of human endeavors, maintaining positive relations with each other is a must, to live in harmony and peaceful coexistence with each other.The surest path to keeping good relations with our fellow humans is to know what their dos and don'ts are, and adhere strictly to the same. She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not Who Is Some Who Loves You?1. Someone who sees the best in you. 10 Things You Probably Didnt Know About Signs of Infidelity Certain things about signs of infidelity come as a surprise to most people. Even people who pride themselves on being knowledgeable about extramarital affairs may be unfamiliar with the little-known facts below. Ulterior Motive Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 7, 2004Life was not this complicated a year ago--said laughing while banging head on keyboard. I can make this short, but there is so much and I want to be fair. Has The Magic Gone From Your Relationship? Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now. At first it was magic and Dan was so romantic and attentive. Want To Strengthen Your Relationship Open your mouth. What do I mean? Talk - say what's on your mind. A Little Help Finding Love A little help finding love online.Visit the dating sites. He Still Hasnt Popped the Question - Should You Give Him an Ultimatum? You've been dating the man forever, and he has yet to cough up a ring. You spend every single weekend with him. How To Re-ignite the Fire in Your Relationship! Couples that are together for a while sometimes suffer from passion burn out.Are you a victim of passion burnout?If you no longer have the desire to jump all over your partner whenever they walk through the door, and find more things to complain about than compliment, you may be headed down the path of trouble.
|
|
