HOME
E-CARDS
WALLPAPER GALLERY
LOVEBUG STORE
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL
|
|
HOME |
E-CARDS |
WALLPAPER GALLERY |
LOVEBUG STORE |
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL |
|
|
Relationship ArticlesNeed advice on dating and relationships or tips on turning up the romance in your marriage? You'll find all kinds of helpful information here about love, romance, and relationships. |
How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship
This is a question that comes up a lot. It's hugely frustrating, as well as difficult and painful to watch someone you care about struggle in the quicksand of an abusive relationship. It's frustrating because we can see all the things that they can't. We'd love to help them - which probably means getting them to adopt the solution that we know is right. But they don't see it, and they're not going to do it. It's difficult because you start to feel like you're caught up in Groundhog Day. They reach the point of leaving, they may well even leave? and then the whole thing goes around again, and again. Maybe the same partner, maybe a different one. But you hear the same story again and again. In the end your emotional investment wears you out. You end up feeling resentful towards them for what they're putting you through. It's painful because watching someone turn into a shadow of their former self is tragic. All the more so when there are children who are also suffering. Witnessing the pain of someone you care about and not being able to make it go away, really taxes us. So how do we support them? First we need to be clear about the distinction between helping and supporting them. We cannot help them, i.e. move them on even so much as a millimetre. What we can do is be there for them. That doesn't mean making ourselves available to listen 100% of the time. What it does mean is simply acknowledging and respecting their right to make choices, or else stick with the situation. However disastrous it may appear from the outside, they are making the best choices they can at the time. They already feel pretty bad about themselves; your continued respect may make more of a difference than you could imagine. Second, we mustn't give up on them. There is a very human temptation, at some point, to say "Whatever", and walk away. Abusers create a void around their victim that leaves the victim even more dependent. It's very easy to end up becoming irritated with the victim. When you do, you're actually colluding with the abuser. If an abused loved one can't hold on to the thought of life beyond their relationship, then that is something important we can do for them. This simply means believing and trusting that they will come out the other side of this. Even if neither of you can predict the timescale. Third, we can hold onto the knowledge of who they truly are. Over time, living with a self-appointed King of the Jungle reduces them to feeling little better than a cockroach. We can hold - and remind them of- their gifts, their qualities, their uniqueness, their lovableness, until they are able to do it for themselves. Our vision may be the resource that starts them on their journey to recovery. It doesn't even have to be a major holding operation on our part. Remember, abuse leaves its victims starving because it systematically closes down any channel of nourishment. Often, by opening up a channel we offer them more sustenance than we could possibly imagine. To a friend of mine who has suffered hugely at the hands of a homicidally brutal partner and lost sight of herself, I sent a list of the blessings that she did not see. The list is incredibly empowering for her and she treasures it. It reads like this: 1) You are blessed with good and loving friends. 2) You inspire great love in those around you. 3) You have two wonderful children - maybe not easy, but definitely wonderful. 4) You have enormous strength. 5) You have a vast reservoir of talents. 6) You are an extraordinarily loving and supportive person. 7) You have a talent for creating beauty. 8) You have an extraordinarily attractive personality 9) You have formidable energy 10) All this and there is still, I'd guess, about another 85% of capacity that you are currently not able to access efficiently. My friend is unique and gifted. So are all our friends and loved ones. Another person's list may be different, but it will be no less extraordinary. We are all uniquely gifted and wonderful. Yet we may need to have our eyes opened to this fact. Repeatedly. We support others best when we offer them a valid, empowering vision of themselves. We support ourselves when we do the self-same thing for ourselves. (C) Annie Kaszina 2004 Annie Kaszina Specialist Women's Empowerment Coach and NLP Practitioner. Author of the ebook "The Woman You Want To Be" e-mail me at annie@joyfulcoaching.com Annie is passionate about helping women to attract the relationships they truly want. You can subscribe to Annie's free ezine at http://www.joyfulcoaching.com.
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Gay and Lesbian Relationships America has a reluctance to accept relationships between people of the same gender. This reluctance follows a similar pattern to the hostility towards interracial relationships. How To Slay The Toxic Dragon In Your Life How To "Slay The Dragon" In Your Life In Five Simple StepsAny time you spend around that toxic dragon , you are adding another cup full of misery to your life. You must accept that the toxic person you are with will not change, does not want to change, and does not want you to change. Communication Tips for Heart Healthy Relationships It doesn't matter how old we are, matters of the heart go on forever. It is well known that a healthy diet, exercise, and attitude are powerful determinants of a healthy heart. Ending Relationships Gracefully In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How do I end a relationship without hurting someone's feelings?" Whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn't want to be with them. How Can I Get My Partner To Change? How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be?Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. Let Kissing Liven Up Your Meetings (and More Kissing Tips) Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport ever?Some say "football". 20 Tips to Keep Love Alive Have you ever been at a loss to think of something special that you can do for that special someone in your life? Maybe you want to do a little extra for an important event, like his or her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, or anniversary.Here are some excellent tips and ideas of some special actions that you can take to help keep love alive in your life. The Sound of His Laughter When you're searching for your Mr. Right, I want you to pay close attention to his laugh. Attraction: Is It Worth It? The Common Scenario:Your partner is hardly ever home to give you attention and when he is home, he's preoccupied with his own routine. The two of you then start picking on the little things about each other. Be Glad That There's Quarrel in Your Relationship Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you actually quarreled before? If your answer is yes, then you should be happy and be glad that it happened. But if your answer is however a no, then you should be aware of the danger that you are facing. How A Phony Persona Always Hurts You 'Be yourself', isn't that what you've always heard? Itcertainly isn't ill advice considering what you are losing inthe long run when you adopt one of these fraudulent lives.You may ask, what's adding a little sizzle hurt any?It's not the extra energy that you bring to the table as longas it's your true personality. The Wrong Kind of Love A lot of people have the wrong kind of love and don't even know it. If you are experiencing any of the following issues I have listed in this article, then you definitely have that wrong kind of love. Extreme Breakup Recovery: Maximum Healing / Minimum Time If you are going through the emotional rollercoaster of a breakup, feeling pain, anger and depression, know this: You don't need to suffer one more day over your ex! It doesn't matter how long you have suffered, it is time to give up the pain and open up to a life free of pain.You may feel that you can't stop clinging on to the past, but by clinging on to the past, you are stopping life. Guys Guide To Flowers We are here to help! With these helpful hints on flowers, you will feel more confident about choosing beautiful blooms for that special someone in your life!Something Simple & Sweet-Consider a mixed bouquet of daisies, lilies and wild flowers. This mixed bouquet is appropriate no matter what the occasion. Making Passion More Passionate Somewhere between the first kiss and growing old together, many couples experience dormant growth phases during their relationship, leaving one, if not both partners with a need for greater input, emotionally and/or physically.The process of emotional growth is both independent, and uncomfortable. Two Kinds of Love Love is something we all need, and want.For love, some have lived, and many others have died. The Sting Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 28, 2004Two days ago, purely by accident, I found out my husband was a member of an online sex and swinger service. I unintentionally opened his e-mail, thinking the computer was logged on to my name, not his. A Kernel of Truth about Relationships: 4 Steps to Improvement It's all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent holiday visit with my parents. Santa Claus coffee cup in one hand and a wagging finger toward my wife, Elizabeth, with the other. 7 Unfailing Laws of Happy Relationships Most think that relationships exist to make them happy. When they find that special person, they believe that love will naturally grow. How To Open Up While Staying Safe When you've had your heart broken in a relationship, it can be difficult to open up to love again and entrust your heart to another person.Similarly, when your partner hurts you, it can difficult to open up and bring trust back into your relationship.
|
|
