HOME
E-CARDS
WALLPAPER GALLERY
LOVEBUG STORE
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL
|
|
HOME |
E-CARDS |
WALLPAPER GALLERY |
LOVEBUG STORE |
FREE LOVEBUGMAIL |
|
|
Relationship ArticlesNeed advice on dating and relationships or tips on turning up the romance in your marriage? You'll find all kinds of helpful information here about love, romance, and relationships. |
The Lies That Saved a Judges Life
What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but empathy is really much more. My dictionary defines it as "the quality or process of entering fully, through imagination, into another's feelings or motives." In the fullest sense, it implies putting yourself into the other person's shoes, or even getting into his or her skin, so that you really understand and feel his pain, fear - or more positively - his joys. The opposite of empathy - in communication terms - is invalidation. This is what happens when you express a feeling or idea and the person you are speaking to contradicts or rejects it. And when the emotion happens to be anxiety, sorrow, fear or the like, the rejection can be very painful. Interestingly, the pain of rejection can be even more profound when the other party bears no ill will towards you. Indeed, the person you have confided in may sincerely believe she is offering you encouragement. But she fails miserably, because there is no empathy. We have seen in previous articles how devastated children feel when they are on the receiving end of such treatment. But, of course, it's not only children who feel this kind of trauma. One writer on the subject, Miriam Adahan, in her book It's All a Gift, relates how a friend's eight-month old baby was undergoing treatment for cancer. Mrs. Adahan sat with her for hours, hearing one visitor after another say, "Don't worry. He's going to be just fine." When they were finally alone, her friend looked at her through tearful eyes and said: Almost like suffocation..."Don't they know how much their optimism hurts me? Don't they realize that they aren't letting me talk about what's most on my mind - that he may not get better? It's like someone putting a hand over my mouth and suffocating me. I have to lie and smile and say over and over, 'Of course, everything's going to be fine,' which only makes me feel worse. Why can't these people stop with their optimistic drivel and just listen a little?" Among other examples of this kind of phenomenon that this author tells over, is the story of a young mother who confided to an older woman how she felt trapped in her house all day long. "I'm so depressed!" she confessed. "I resent my children and snap at them when they make demands. I think about death all the time." Nonsense," retorted the older woman, "these are the best years of your life!" What's wrong with you? Don't you appreciate how wonderful it is to have healthy children? You're ungrateful, selfish and spoiled." The young woman fled the home in tears. Although there are some folk who take pleasure in being deliberately abusive, most people don't mean to be cruel when they give pat answers. What they lack is communication skills. They don't realize that by minimizing people's pain, they maximize it. When you respond to your friend's outburst of anxiety or sorrow with: "You'll feel better tomorrow," or: "Don't worry, time heals!" you may be giving him the message: "There's something very wrong with you for complaining when there's nothing to complain about." The well-meaning advice: "Just take a hot bath and you'll perk up!" could be interpreted to mean: "You should have been able to figure out the solution for yourself," or: "Other people seem to manage in these situations." Now, I'll tell you a fascinating true story - that, on first glance, seems to contradict just about everything I've implied up to now. A certain rabbi, a prominent judge of a Jewish religious court, once suffered a sudden heart attack in the middle of a litigation. When he arrived at the emergency ward, a doctor, who knew and respected the new patient, examined him. The anxious judge asked the doctor about his condition. "Nothing to worry about at all" answered the doctor. "You are just overworked. You have to rest up." At the end of the somewhat protracted examination, the staff brought in a stretcher along with some very ominous looking medical apparatus. The judge was hooked up to equipment to which all sorts of tubes were attached. The attendants pushed him briskly down a long corridor and straight through a doorway above which hung a bold sign: "Strictly No Entry - Intensive Care Ward." Nobody's fool...This rabbinical judge, of course, was nobody's fool. His vocation involved critically analyzing situations every day and ferreting out the truth. When the doctor came over to him again, his learned patient asked him pointblank: "Why did you deceive me?" "You really aren't very sick," answered the doctor, surprisingly. "But I am confronted with hundreds of ethical questions every day, and I have no one to ask. I thought it would be nice to have you near me for a while, so you can answer my questions! "And why are all these fancy machines attached to me?" asked the rabbi very skeptically. "Do you need to have a nurse run over to you every minute? This way, she can see everything from her desk. And anyway, what difference does it make to you?" The judge was in hospital for three weeks, but he responded well to treatment. After his discharge, he recounted his experiences to his friends and colleagues: "The doctor continuously and consistently lied to me," he told them. "But his lies cured me more than all the medicine they gave me." Why is this episode so different from the ones described above, where evasion of the truth made the sufferers feel worse? Have we really grasped what empathy really means? I will not comment further. What do YOU think? Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.
MORE RESOURCES:
Relationships - Google News |
 |
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Catch a Cheating Lover? Relationships. Virtually all of us are in one, or at some stage, have been. Happily Single v Happily Married Have you noticed how so many people spend their lives wishing they were something they are not?Short people would like to be tall; plump people want to be thin; singles want to be in a relationship, possibly married, and those who are married eye their single friends and the freedom they have, with some jealousy.Family gatherings are always a minefield for the singletons amongst us. How to Ease the Pain of a Breakup Whether you do the dumping or you are the one who got dumped, breakups are painful. If you initiated the breakup you may feel guilty, or question that you made the right decision. Living in Fear! As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part of our life, and our own personal growth. Our growth starts basically from our relationships. Reading Each Others Mind I cannot tell you how many times I have heard couples express the fact that they felt their partner should be able to read their mind. Have you ever felt this way? Such thinking can lead to disappointment, sadness, and yes, at times, even anger. How to Have an Affair - Beware! People decide to have an affair for many reasons. They could have become disappointed with their marriage expectations which may have been too high to fulfil or they may simply want to carry on having an open relationship as they have in their past. She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not Who Is Some Who Loves You?1. Someone who sees the best in you. You are Killing US with YOUR Jealousy Hey all, I feel that need to reach out and touch someone. So here I am again. The Key to Ending Pain With Others It has taken me 40 years to learn exactly how to free myself from pain with others. After reading the book The Dammapada I sat under a tree to contemplate, and meditate on the wisdom I was soaking in to the depths of my heart, mind and soul. What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like? When you are dating you try to keep from a dangerous man. What do they look like? Why is when you are dating people that some guys just manage to slip through the cracks before revealing their true colors? What are they looking for in a woman? What can you do to protect yourself from a dangerous man?One of the first things to realize is that dangerous men, look just like regular men. Taking the True Relationship Test If you have ever read teen magazines you will be familiar with the myriad tests they offer their readers. You can find out everything from which type of jelly bean you are to which celebrity is your soul mate. The Grammar of Good Communication No, this is not a rehash of primary-school grammar; nor is it adiscourse on the finer points of rhetoric!There are some practical points which can make a powerfuldifference in the efficacy of your communication -- whether onthe job, with your spouse or when you are among friends.What is "good communication?" Much of what passes forconversation is a play with two performers, each impatientlywaiting for the other to finish so they can declaim the linesthey've been preparing as the other is talking. Power Struggle! The greatest asset we have in human existence is our soul growth, but somehow we have that confused with becoming powerful. Power does not bring growth unless we understand the essence of sharing that power. Long Distance Love Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare. Most people met their mates in school, through a friend or neighbor, at a party or in a bar. How to Improve Relationships with Feng Shui Remedies In order to improve relationships, many people have increasingly turned to Feng Shui remedies hoping to find a solution for their woes.The Feng Shui used in this article is the Eight Mansion (Pa-Kua) School under the Xuan Kong System. Soulmates, Are They Pre-ordained? One day a telegram arrived at a man's door. When he opened it, he learned that his best friend had passed away. Coping With A New Culture: Problems And Solutions Coping with a new culture has never been the easiest job of one's life, for, not only that you miss your friends and family in the new place, you also miss your very own culture. And culture, as the social anthropologists say, is exactly what we do in our life. Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied We've all done it at one time or another, or will do it sometime in the future. Regardless of when you do it, just remember you will get caught eventually and when you do, you cannot bury your head in the sand. How We Define Our Relationships? We can fall into the habit of complaining about our relationships, but do we really take the time to evaluate them? Maybe not, because well, we're always right! He or she never listens to ME or does things the way I think is right (the human EGO speaking loudly here!).First of all, we need to understand one thing - which we do not live in our parents' or grandparents' time. Love Advice: Are You Frozen in Time? Falling in love is a process that one cannot stay away from. In life, many of us has experienced going through a love relationship.
|
|
